Bear Grylls Needs To Come Film In My Backyard

I don't know what, exactly, is happening to my cozy little space but would you check this out??


Although this snapshot doesn't exactly capture the blood spray that is all over my beloved canine and the surrounding area, I do believe it sums up rather nicely how the snake is feeling. Besides, I was too busy running backwards, screaming like the total girl that I am and smashing ass over tea kettle into the table between the patio chairs that were directly behind me to worry about photographic finesse. Now then, if you'll excuse me while I go and try to brush citronella wax out of my hair, since how I upended the candle. Possibly onto my head.


Divot:1, Snake:0, Me:Bringing you grace and poise since 1968.

Anyone want to summon the National Geographic film crew for me, or shall I?

Things I Know For Certain

Trust me...if you ever have occasion to do as I did this past weekend and come across one of these while cleaning out a flower pot in the apparently imagined comfort and safety of your own screened lanai, you will know without a doubt what it is that you are dealing with.



Yes, indeed. A Black Widow Spider. According to wikipedia, they are as scary as my nightmares deem them to be. You can read about them here, if you'd like:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_widow_spider

I was too busy turning this lovely arachnid into black widow mush with my son's shoe to take my own pictures, so I grabbed one from google images for the sake of reference.

But trust me, you'll just know. Without a doubt.

Shock And Awe

You may think you know which is meant to shock and which is meant to awe, but you would probably be wrong...so, here is a little sumpin sumpin for everyone.

Say hello to The Prodigy...



Growing up I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted with my hair. And although there were some wild ones, I never went quite this bright. I would have though, if I had the means to. If I were a few years younger I would totally be rocking the multi-colored dreads. While this may be shocking to some, this isn't it....

Now say hello to my nemesis and the bane of my existence...



To The Hubs, this is love. True love. I am just the woman that cooks for, cleans up after and clothes him. No, really. I wonder if he has named her yet! Shocking to the women, indeed. Awe inspiring to the men, I'm sure. But still, not it.

Say hello to this...its truly awesome and I know will shock the shit out of anyone who knows me.



I know, right? Whatever possessed me? Good Lord, the space to fill...the shopping to be had. The color-coding that has been done. Bliss.



Miracles DO happen!

-----

Damn! I was so shocked by my own clean closet I forgot to add these! Now THIS is love!

Ooooh...Shiny!



*dreamy sigh*



Old School Head Cover





If there were any doubt at all, THOSE, my friends, are the source of AWE.

HOPELESS ro-MAN-tic.

As heard in conversation between the Hubs and I while driving home this past Sunday.

Me: Oh cool, Wednesday's lottery is up to 25 million. We will have to be sure and buy a ticket, since the draw date is our anniversary.

The Hubs: Yeah, for sure. 25 million is enough to split in half and go our separate ways.

Me: Aww, honey, I wouldn't divorce you even if I had 50 million.

The Hubs: *snickering* Awww, neither would I. I'd just get a girlfriend. If I had 50 million I could afford one.

Me: Sadly, I cant tell whether or not you are serious.

The Hubs: *Further Snickering*

Pursuant to our previous conversation, this was heard last night, while we had a pre-anniversary dinner at The Outback (because, hello--yum. Victoria's crowned filet. Nothing says wedded bliss quite like a decent cut of beef..)

Me: Well babe, would you do it again?

The Hubs: Huh?

Me: Marry me. Would you do it again?

The Hubs: Only if I didn't have to go through the wedding bullshit.

Me: You never went through that the first time!

The Hubs: I know, right? I was smart!

Me: Well, would you?

The Hubs: Would I have to go spend time dealing with the JP? Or spend fifty bucks on another license? Could we just 'say' we were married?

Me: *sigh* Okay, you don't have to stand in line, spend any money, or go through any ceremony. Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with me, after the last nine years?

The Hubs: Well, duh. I'm just finally getting you trained! Why would I trade you in on a different model?

-----

He is getting nine lottery quick picks for his anniversary gift. Trust me when I tell you that after those conversations, he may just need a girlfriend.

Reason Number 426 Why Florida Is Love...

...Opening the medicine cabinet and staring directly into the eyes of a tree frog. How much cooler can it get than that?

Well maybe ALMOST as cool as seeing, real time, how much fear of snakes ones husband actually has; when an innocent little black racer made its way into the lanai (aka the screened pool enclosure for you non-FL types). Granted, the black snake was lunging at me and trying to sink its fangs into my wrist as I attempted to pick it up, and it was rattling the ever loving bejeebus out of its imaginary rattler in hopes of scaring me off. I ended up picking it up with the pool skimmer (because while not afraid of snakes, I sure didn't want it to connect with my wrist) and tossing it back out into the grass, at which time The Hubs took his trusty 9 iron and went on the hunt for it, in hopes of severing it's itty-bitty little head from it's slithery body. Imagine The Hubs surprise when he rounded the side of the house, eyes directed to the ground in search of the snake to no avail and upon deciding that the snake had probably made its exit, The Hubs looked up, only to meet the snake eye to eye as it sat resting atop the a/c unit.

Need I tell you how loud the clang of that golf club was as he slammed the top of the a/c unit?

From the way The Hubs remembers it, that snake was no less than 8ft long--and at LEAST 6 inches in diameter. And possibly even an anaconda. Except BIGGER.

Delusions Of Grandeur.

You can all dream easy, I'll be guarding your rest. Just ask me to tell you about how, last night in my own dream, I subdued a home invader with my trusty golf club (uspide the head, indeed!) and then detained him with zip-ties until the police arrived.

There, wont you sleep much better now, knowing I am on full alert?

Reasons number 1 and 2 that we did not golf this past weekend...

Because time spent with good friends is time well spent. Well, you can also see reasons number 3, 4, 5 and 6...but damn, they dont count. Not when there are CUTE twinsies to be gobbled! I LOOOOOVE me some babies!



p.s. G--Why dont you get a friggin tattoo, huh?

43 Years and About 43 Hours.

A huge shout out to my parents, who celebrated 43 years of wedded bliss yesterday. Thanks for showing me how to stay married a very substantial length of time without having to kill or maim each other. Thanks for keepin it real, yo. Your children and Grandchildren appreciate it. It makes Christmas and the other family celebrations that much less complex, what with the travelling that would be required and the splitting of time--meh. Also, we never had to decide favorites..you both rule.

Now hows that for the Hallmark Card that never was, huh? Huh?

Also, a big congrats to the male half of the parental unit belong to The Hubs, as he has now been officially engaged for about 43 hours. And officially divorced for about 48. The dude is BLISSED OUT. And she is really sweet too, so that helps.

Golf Course Conversations...

As spoken by the hubs: "Dee, you know if you really concentrate on your big muscles when you swing, and powering through the core of your body, you will have many more very succesful shots. Already I have seen vast improvement with your swing but now that you are using your new clubs I think if you really focus on it you will see very marked improvement."

As heard by me: "Blah blah blabbety blah blah, yadda yadda, I'm such a friggin know-it-all, blabbety blah."

A moment in the life of.

As heard in conversation between myself and The Hubs:

Me: Hubs, what has happened to us? Do we really need the 3600sq ft.? The three car garage? All the latest and greatest in toys? The 60" big screen? Remember our first house, in all its 900sq ft. of glory? Do we really need anymore than we had then? All of this--stuff?

Hubs: *blank look*

Me: Seriously, sometimes it kind of sickens me..what are we doing?

Hubs: Keepin up with the Joneses, baby! Besides, it isn't like we spend a bunch beyond our means.

Me: I wasn't really referring to the financial implications hon, but our carbon footprint is really kind of terrible. We should be more aware.

Hubs: Why do I need to know what kind of shoes you buy?

Me: Argh.

Hubs: *snickers and returns his undivided attention to his 60" television*

Uhm, yeah. I caved. And the Leester? He is a very happy boy.

____________

p.s. Divot is fine, although he continues to give the entire kitchen a wide berth.